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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, December 03, 2023

Sen. Marco Rubio confirmed to be direct descendant of Judas

The new information comes as no surprise to anyone with a Twitter account.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Florida) came under fire on Saturday after sharing a screenshot of Ukraine’s President Zelenskyy while a video call among lawmakers was taking place. This is despite all participants being explicitly told not to do so by the Ukrainian ambassador. 

Unfortunately, Rubio — as well as Montana Sen. Steve Daines — felt that Twitter likes were more important than the safety of the Ukrainian leader. 

Rubio’s actions could be considered a betrayal to the majority of Americans who believe that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is unjustified. However, new information indicates that the public shouldn’t be surprised by the senator’s tweet. 

Unearthed ancestral documents have confirmed that Sen. Rubio is a direct descendant of Judas Iscariot, who is best known as a former apostle and ultimate betrayer of Jesus Christ. 

Similar to how Judas outed Jesus to the Sanhedrin for 30 pieces of silver and political gain, Marco Rubio outed Volodymyr Zelenskyy for internet points from the same people who voted for the guy that just called Putin “genius” and “savvy” for attacking Ukraine on Feb. 22.

Unlike Judas leading soldiers to the Garden of Gethsemane, then kissing Jesus and calling him “Rabbi'' to trigger the religious leader’s arrest, Rubio posting a picture of Zelenskyy during the meeting did not blatantly indicate the President of Ukraine’s location to Russian authorities. 

However, given the reputation of Russian intelligence, it is akin to Judas leading soldiers to the garden and being like, “I don’t know exactly where he is in this specific garden, but the guy you want to brutally and publicly execute is definitely here somewhere.” 

After betraying Jesus, Judas returned the silver he received and hung himself. The only way Rubio could be expected to show even a fraction of his ancestor’s remorse is if he kissed a man, like Judas kissed Jesus. To be clear, Rubio may be a traitor on a global scale, but relax a little — at least he’s not gay.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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