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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, September 29, 2023
Putin, Madonna

Report: Putin ordered Ukrainian attack to prove manliness after being caught drinking a cosmo, listening to Madonna

Nothing says “dominance” like invading an innocent country that takes pride in its sunflowers.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The world was distraught on Feb. 24 after Russia invaded Ukraine. Given Putin’s unquenchable desire to have the world see him as a big boy, it’s not a surprise that former Soviet Union territory is the target of the unprovoked attacks. 

While Putin appears to have a threat-making tic, some thought it would take special circumstances for Russia’s president/dictator/captor to actually follow through. A tip was sent to The Daily Cardinal suggesting that such a circumstance was met.

The evening before the attack, Putin was seen for the first time without a stick up his ass. According to the anonymous source, the former KGB member was found sitting in his office with his feet up on his desk, sipping a Cosmo and listening to Madonna’s 1984 Like a Virgin album. 

Further, close analysis of security footage has shown that Putin was mouthing the words to “Material Girl” while moving his pinky finger — the one on the same hand holding the martini glass — to the rhythm. 

However, the gnome with nukes swiftly went from closed eyes and a cheerful smile to desperate cries and stomach bile when he realized that he’d left the door unlocked and looked over to see one of his subordinates at the door, who elected to scurry away after making eye contact.

As someone with the reputation of being the kind of individual who rides a horse without a shirt like John Wayne with a Napoleon complex, Putin was immediately horrified. Given that cosmos are considered a girly drink and Madonna is a gay icon, Russia’s Karate Kid was nauseated by the thought that both his masculinity and sexuality would now be called into question.

Putin quickly concluded that nothing says “dominance” like invading an innocent country that takes pride in its sunflowers and arresting Russia’s own children when they hold up a piece of paper asking for Putin to stop the war and use his words. As one would expect, the rationalization for the aggression was that it was necessary for Russia and its 4,477 active nuclear warheads to feel “safe.”

On March 2, Russia escalated the attacks, bombing civilians, a hospital and a broadcasting tower in the nation’s capital of Kyiv, cutting off radio and television communications. A Holocaust memorial was also damaged, as Putin simply can’t bare the idea of Hitler being more feared than him.

Ukraine’s impressive resistance has made for a more difficult than expected start for Russia and its troops. As refugees are forced to separate from their families and homes are destroyed, the world can only hope that No Gluten Putin ends his power trip soon — hopefully before the rest of Russia’s soldiers realize that they’re at war and not being welcomed for training

In any case, it’s more likely that the rest of Russia’s troops abandon their posts and surrender than it is that Ukraine and its citizens will sit there and take it while Putin sits in his office doing 5 lb bicep curls as his own people call for him to end the war. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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