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Tuesday, February 07, 2023
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UW-Madison average GPA, attendance skyrockets after fake IDs fail to scan

Grades and attendance have improved since underage students were left without working fake IDs, but not without cost.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Much of the University of Wisconsin-Madison campus community was distraught last week when underage students learned that fakes created by notable enabler Old Ironsides no longer scan at many frequented student bars. 

While many of legal drinking age are overjoyed that freshmen are now forced to go back to the less desirable Regent Street bars, more experienced 20-year-old students have been permitted more mercy. The primarily junior victims are now preparing for Thirsty Thursdays consisting of snuggling up to an empty bottle of Burnett’s and quietly singing Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine” through humble tears while watching their ever-so-slightly older friends throw back vodka lemonades at Plaza and Whiskey Jack’s on their Instagram Stories.  

It would be false to state that nothing positive has come from the semester-shattering event. In the week since the change took place, both GPA and attendance numbers have skyrocketed. While it’s true that the sample size is small, student reports indicate that the trend is likely to continue.

“If I’m not drinking, what am I even supposed to do except bury my head in a textbook? When people have to stop drinking in movies, they start going to Alcoholics Anonymous, which leads them to turn to God,” said junior marketing major Isaac Schwalbe. “There’s no way I can do that — if I do, I’ll just be pressured to give up the rest of my vices. Eternal salvation sounds cool and all, but vaping is not up for negotiation. That’s the end of it.” 

The average GPA for the fall 2021 semester was just under 3.4, whereas the assignments turned in since last Thursday have bumped the school’s average up to 3.8. Further, attendance of Friday classes has improved by 20%. 

Each of these data points could’ve been even more impressive, but students who are still able to go to bars have gone harder since having State Street establishments to themselves, resulting in slipping grades and skipping classes to nurse hangovers or get a head start on yet another night of debauchery. 

Additionally, more students than ever have met with their advisors about potentially going for their masters and doctorates. Unfortunately, that is how long it will take for University Health Services to finally provide a therapy appointment for every student who now has to face their demons sober.

Given the academic strides, the UW-Madison can expect a large increase in donations. Despite the difficulty of the debacle, students can rest assured, as the increase in funding could mean that there’s a new concrete building rectangular enough to rival Van Vleck at the end of the tunnel.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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