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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, April 16, 2024

UW campus site of gruesome murder, authorities posit likely cause

Cucumber found maimed, foul play assumed

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

**Warning: graphic imagery** 

A cucumber was found dead in front of the Service Annex building  on the morning of Feb. 10. UW Police are investigating the incident and have relocated the cucumber to a secure holding facility. While they refused to release the body’s condition, an inside source informed The Daily Cardinal that the cucumber was found maimed, tortured and appeared to have died only a few hours before.

The cucumber’s physical condition was described as “nauseating.” Half of it was missing, likely severed by a blunt kitchen knife — students, if you’re going to kill someone, at least do it with well-maintained tools. Please. What was left of the body was half-frozen and bore a large bite mark. It had, however, been naturally preserved in the negative degree winds typical of the campus this time of year. DNA testing revealed the cucumber was of the everyday strain sold for $25.99 plus your virginity at places like Fresh Market. The kind of cucumber you see at community church dinners, in a weird roommate’s fridge and lying unnoticed in the dining hall salad bars. It was a dependable, everyday vegetable — just like you. Nothing about it seemed marked for death.

We leave it to you what to make of this. However, we did have an expert pathologist reconstruct the cucumber’s likely demise.

“A frat boy — we’ll call him Jayden — likely bought it in hopes of impressing his health-obsessed girlfriend, Kailee,” began the expert. “The presence of a cucumber in his fridge,” he reasoned, “might convince her that he was ‘not like other frat boys’ — i.e. he cared about things like health.” 

“The cucumber, however, looked pretty conspicuous between the lite and moldy casserole his mom sent him at the beginning of the semester. Kailee didn’t buy the health pitch due to it not being organic and in the ensuing bickering, Jayden aggressively bit the cucumber. The sheer nutrition hitting his taste buds sent him into shock. He collapsed, unconscious. Amazed at its potency over nutritionally deprived males, Kailee cut off the non-bitten half with a kitchen knife — to save for emergencies — and left.”

Jayden awoke the next morning to mild heartbreak. He chucked the cucumber out the window. Unfortunately, his feelings did not go with it and he will be carrying the rejection wound with him for years to come. Kailee never used the other half. 

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