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Friday, February 23, 2024
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Tom Brady’s TB12 diet altered to include Pop-Tarts, Domino’s, margaritas following retirement

Immediately following his retirement from the National Football League, Tom Brady has altered his widely-touted TB12 Method.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Following days of speculation, Tom Brady officially announced his retirement from the National Football League on Tuesday. 

Brady has long credited his longevity in the NFL to the TB12 Method, a lifestyle brand and method of living he created which excludes joys including dairy, alcohol and sugar in favor of a high-protein, plant-based intake. However, just after he hit “send” on his retirement statement, Brady amended his widely touted diet to include foods such as Pop-Tarts, Domino’s and margaritas.

The original TB12 diet was created to prevent inflammation and injury while boosting energy and recovery speed. However, now that the seven-time Super Bowl champion’s playing days are over, he now wishes to eat foods that promote naps and crumbling bones to support his desire to stay seated. 

Originally avoiding a public announcement of the changes, the new additions were discovered once Brady’s wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen, walked into the living room to see the future first-ballot Hall of Famer laying on a couch surrounded by s’mores Pop-Tarts, a salt-rimmed lime margarita and a large Domino’s meat lovers pizza. 

However, it’s not just the diet portion of the TB12 Method that has been changed. The exercise regimen has always included different kinds of planks such as leg lifts and walking planks. The former quarterback has now added an innovative type of plank in which his stomach and knees remain on the ground and his hands are placed between his chin and a pillow as he watches new episodes of “Euphoria” on an iPad set directly in front of his face. 

The New England Patriots legend has long taken advantage of exercises created by BrainHQ to improve his mental strength and performance. Now that Brady won’t be bringing in enough of an income to afford the $14 per month subscription fee, he instead calls longtime teammate Rob Gronkowsi and exercises his brain by trying to comprehend what Gronk is saying.

Disciples of the TB12 Method may be alarmed by the sudden adjustments that some perceive to be actively unhealthy. In Brady’s defense, NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal used to eat two club sandwiches, fries and a pineapple soda before each game. Consequently, nobody should be surprised when the 44 year-old Brady joins the NBA and becomes an All-Star. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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