Football fans around the country were pleasantly surprised when the Los Angeles Rams and Cincinnati Bengals pulled off close wins to advance to Super Bowl LVI. After years of blue-chip teams, people can either root for a team that was successfully sued by its own fans and the city of St. Louis or a place that’s known for making chili with spaghetti and being just over 100 miles from the hometown of Guy Fieri — a Las Vegas Raiders fan.
Since the Super Bowl matchup was settled, there have been hundreds of videos circulating of fans tearfully celebrating — Bengals fans for reaching their first Super Bowl since 1989, Lions fans out of joy for Matthew Stafford, who served 12 seasons of hard time as Detroit’s quarterback after being taken first overall in the 2009 NFL draft.
“This just wasn’t supposed to happen,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a secretly recorded conversation. “We can have one underdog to keep the people interested, but two? That disrupts everything.”
Goodell continued, “Why do people think our social media pages keep posting about how Stafford was traded to the Rams like he was a kill shelter puppy being given a second chance at life? We wanted to crush any sense of hope or love Lions fans felt. Hell, it should’ve happened a long time ago — the Lions have been so bad for so long that Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson both decided to retire early instead of making millions of dollars.”
The commissioner concluded, “I swear to god, if I’d known that this would result in Lions fans being not just happy, but so happy they’re jumping up and down with tears running down their cheeks, I would’ve found a way to block that trade and personally fund Stafford staying in Detroit for the rest of his godforsaken career.”
As for the Bengals, the consensus is similar. After all, they’ve been thrown enough bones lately, as they seem to finally have a franchise quarterback in Joe Burrow. Plus, by not falling apart in the regular season, the team will avoid being called the Cincinnati Bungles during the offseason — a rare treat.
However, there is now even more cause for concern, as Cincinnati public schools will be closed the day after the Super Bowl. This means that even children who previously had no interest in football are at risk of becoming Bengals fans after learning that the team is responsible for giving them a long weekend.
Depending on whether or not this season is a fluke, the long-term mental health of children is at stake. Best case scenario, the innocent kids will be subjected to a protocol akin to what Green Bay Packers fans experience year after year — a seemingly endless cycle of hope and heartbreak.
Goodell was reportedly close to cancelling Super Bowl LVI under the guise of COVID-19 concerns. However, after being reminded that there is still potential for Dallas to serve as the game’s host should something happen to Los Angeles’ So-Fi Stadium, Goodell reconsidered.
The game will go on, as any chance of the Super Bowl taking place in Dallas is too good to pass up. After all, it will force Cowboys fans to remember that the last time their team won the big game, Princess Diana and Prince Charles were still married and Fox News was where it belonged — absolutely nowhere.
Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.