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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, June 13, 2024

Chancellor Becky Blank and Willie the Wildcat seen on hot and heavy Valentine’s Day escapade

Becky Blank and Willie the Wildcat’s Valentine’s Day outing scars students, further solidifying the fact that this is Bucky’s campus.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In October, The Daily Cardinal was saddened to announce that Chancellor Becky Blank has decided to leave the University of Wisconsin-Madison at the end of the school year to become Northwestern’s next president. The step down was taken not for professional reasons, but to make a break from the hunky and thoughtful Buckingham U. Badger and run away with longtime love Willie the Wildcat. 

For the months following the exposé, Becky and Willie had done a thorough job keeping themselves out of the spotlight. This changed on Valentine’s Day, when the pair were found galavanting around campus. 

The couple was first spotted sharing a brat at State Street Brats, which would’ve been suggestive if Willie wasn’t already known to have a corkscrew penis much like that of a duck. After about 15 minutes, the room went silent as Bucky walked in for his Monday night cheese curds.

Having come to grips with how he was mistreated during the course of their relationship, Bucky gave the couple a smirk as if to say “good luck, you deserve each other” and proceeded to have a couple Brathaus Bloodies with his friends, who happened to be everybody in the room, as Bucky has friends wherever goes. While not his goal considering that he had moved on, Bucky ultimately left Brats having shown Becky whose campus she was on. 

Having been thoroughly embarrassed, Becky and Willie were later seen getting off a bus near the Arboretum where they were presumably going to collect themselves. 

“At first, they were just walking. Willie’s furry, matted paw was on Becky’s ass, which was kind of a weird thing to do in public, but whatever,” said an anonymous source. “But after about a quarter mile, Willie seemed tired. A few minutes later, he was completely gassed.” 

While generally strange for a cat to lack athletic ability, the eyewitness account checks out, as Northwestern’s athletes have also displayed insufficient athleticism when facing the Badger football and basketball teams this season.

The last stop for the celebrity couple nobody wanted or asked for was Witte Residence Hall. 

“I finally walked into Witte after a long day of classes and studying only to find that I couldn’t get into my dorm,” said freshman resident Kayla Loche. “With the help of a friend, we were finally able to break in, only to find Becky and Willie just going at it. I’d give you more details, but I’m honestly not sure what I saw. Whatever it was, it definitely was not Call Her Daddy approved.” 

Loche said that the vision caused her great emotional distress. 

“Look, being single on Valentine’s Day is hard as it is. I just wanted to curl up in my dorm bed with an Easy Mac and a watermelon High Noon and listen to Taylor’s 10 minute version of ‘All Too Well’ while thinking about my shitty high school boyfriend that I saw at a frat party on Friday,” said Loche. “Then, I open the door and am bombarded with the fact that Becky gets to have sex with a cat, but I don’t get to have a single promising Hinge match.” 

It’s fair to say that Becky and Willie’s date night did nothing to improve the campus’s perception of their relationship. However, it did solidify the idea that campus may be safer without her sordid antics. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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