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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 25, 2024

Stocks and crypto went down

No wait, they’re up. Sell. Buy. No wait, sell. God help me.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Oh fuck, oh shit, stocks and crypto went down. Crypto goes down sometimes and ... ummmm ... you buy in the dip, right? But stocks? Stocks don’t go down. Shit. Fuck. This is not good. Oh fuck. I gotta make some phone calls. Do people still call? Doesn’t matter. This is important. The stocks went down. 

And it makes no sense. They were going up for so long, why would they choose now of all times to go down? It’s frankly absurd. Has this ever happened before? I can’t remember the last time the stocks went down. This must be unprecedented. Sometimes they go down a little bit just for a day, like when the company has a bad quarterly report or it seems like the company will face penalties for profiting off child slave labor … but that never leads to anything serious — not like this. 

Shit. What should I do? I have to sell, right? You’re supposed to sell when things go down. Yeah, that’s right! That way, when stocks go even lower, I’ll be one of the smart people who sold it early. But what if the stocks go up? I’ll look like such a fool for selling low — low is when you’re supposed to buy! 

Oh no, the numbers changed. Oh no, oh shit, oh fuck, please go up again. I promise I’ll be good. I’ll be a better father. That’s why this is happening. The invisible hand is punishing me for not spending enough time with my family. I’m sorry, invisible hand. I can change. I will change. I just need the stocks to go up. 

Please. I’m begging you. I promise I can change.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.

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