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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 25, 2024

Professor delays publishing Canvas course to dedicate more time to stocking up on this semester's grading liquor

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The beginning of the spring semester at the University of Wisconsin-Madison is not something that students and faculty alike tend to look forward to. Whether it be the slippery sidewalks or the simple fact that winter break is now over, there’s something for everyone to hate. However, there is one issue that causes panic among the entire student community — professors not publishing their courses on Canvas by the first day of class.

Most would assume that not publishing the courses by the semester’s start date of Jan. 25 is a sign of a professor who is inconsiderate, lacks time management skills or has questionable priorities. Professor Alana Hayes, who is one such perpetrator, evidently believes that her priorities are solid. 

Several students in one of Hayes’s classes, which is fittingly entitled Psych 120 - The Art and Science of Human Flourishing, have emailed the tenured professor to inquire as to when the course will be published. While Professor Hayes has yet to respond to any of her students, security footage obtained by The Daily Cardinal answers the question of what the PhD holder has been spending her time on. 

In videos dating back to Jan. 20, Hayes is consistently seen in the Total Wine store inside of West Towne Mall. On first thought, one may think that the professor has been getting ready for a party or simply wants to be stocked up long-term for last-minute gatherings. However, the timestamps at which Professor Hayes has been seen entering the store directly correlate to the times at which a student has emailed her. 

From this, the conclusion can be drawn that with each email, Hayes is reminded that she will soon be dealing with hundreds of students again and, therefore, must gather all of the alcohol she can carry in preparation for grading papers containing supposed academic sources that she does not care enough to check at this juncture. 

Though some who have lectures led by Professor Hayes may be unhappy with her coping mechanism, those students are expected to change their tune once Hayes runs out of her current alcohol supply and begins grading papers based on their content rather than how easily she can understand them once she’s a bottle of Merlot deep. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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