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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, May 19, 2024

Pope Francis concerned by worldwide decrease in raw doggin'

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Pope Francis made headlines earlier this month after making the claim that those who choose to have pets instead of more – or any – children are “selfishly” doing so at the expense of further continuation of life. 

“We see that people do not want to have children, or just one and no more … but they have two dogs, two cats … dogs and cats take the place of children," the Pope said.

Francis’s words were sparked by a decline in the global birth rate, as the planet’s population is growing by roughly 1.15% less annually than it was 50 years ago. While ironic considering the Pope’s apparent frustration with couples choosing dogs over children, the take-home message is that Pope Francis would strongly prefer that more people begin raw doggin’ right this instant, so help him God. 

Some have criticized the Pope for ignoring the reasons why people may opt for pets instead of kids, including the deteriorating environment, tense political climates and the desire to not lose a small fortune for the honor of being thrown up on by a small, mostly hairless being who came out of the womb with a beer belly.

However, Pope Francis’ statement can be reframed. Rather than focusing on his judgement of millions of people’s personal life choices it can be said that at the end of the day, he will be overjoyed if people all over the world - well, except the gay ones - skip the pesky contraceptives and just get at it. After all, nobody knows more about lust than a man who took a vow of celibacy in the first year of the Nixon administration.

The Catholic Church considers the use of contraception to be sinful. Still, it is rare that a leader of Pope Francis’ status states their desire for more people to dance in the rain without a poncho. Since the Pope believes not having children is selfish, not having unprotected sex is also selfish; a phrase that most women who have been with a man are familiar with, as they have heard it from some guy at at least one point in their lives. 

Ultimately, it may be safe to say that the Pope will be trading the term “father”, which clergymen may go by from the time they are ordained as priests, for “daddy.” 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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