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Saturday, May 21, 2022
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Betty White remembered as 'ruthless,' fueled by vitriol

This is a hard break from what generations of people thought they knew about the actress. Still, it should not come as too big of a surprise to those who have seen White’s work in the last 10 years.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Millions of people were saddened on New Year’s Eve by the untimely death of Betty White. Born in 1922 and first appearing on television in 1949, it seemed as though America’s Golden Girl had been rewarded for her humor and generosity with complete immortality. 

However, those closest to White privately remember her as “ruthless” and credit her longevity to her “pure, unadulterated vitriol towards humanity.”

This is a hard break from what generations of people thought they knew about the actress. Still, it should not come as too big of a surprise to those who have seen White’s work in the last 10 years. Often portrayed as grouchy and entitled, the vast majority of viewers believed that this was making fun of her decades-long reputation as a beacon of light and laughter. In truth, Betty White was done pretending, and those in the industry were too sick of her shit to cover it up.

It is unknown where the “Mary Tyler Moore Show” actress gained such a deep dispassion for her fellow man, instead preferring the company of animals. Notably, White has been captured cozying up to and feeding marshmallows to a captive grizzly bear. Conveniently working under the guise of an animal advocate, it can now be surmised that she was working towards gaining the support of the entire animal kingdom in preparation for her ultimate uprising and installation as world ruler.

In the weeks since her passing, some have taken to social media to share their own stories about the television icon. The most telling comes from current “Late Night” host and former “Saturday Night Live” head writer and Weekend Update anchor Seth Meyers. 

“RIP Betty White, the only SNL host I ever saw get a standing ovation at the after party. A party at which she ordered a vodka and a hotdog and stayed til the bitter end,” Meyers tweeted

At first glance, this sounds like an uplifting story about an 88 year-old woman basking in the afterglow of having gotten through a week of one of the most notoriously stressful work environments in television history with great success; after all, her performance went on to garner her an Emmy for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series.” Unfortunately, it is now rumored that White actually boiled a hotdog in her Los Angeles home and flew it with her to Manhattan, refrigerating  the store-bought sausage for a week in order to avoid contributing to the livelihood of the local hotdog vendors. 

Additionally, the end Meyers refers to was “bitter” by default because White was the only one left in the room.

People will forever remember Betty White in a myriad of ways, whether it be for her work in television or for doing hidden rituals in the woods. What everyone can agree on is that by suffering a stroke on Christmas and passing away on New Year’s Eve, she has ruined two holidays, cementing her status as a stone-cold bitch.

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