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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 25, 2024

What your top Spotify Wrapped™ artist says about you

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

If your top artist was

The Beatles:

Your taste in music is not as great as you think it is. Learn some humility.

Bo Burnham:

You are annoying. Your sense of humor is annoying. Everyone in your life is tired of you.

Kanye West:

You are almost as annoying as the Bo Burnham people, but for a different reason. At least Donda was good.


You are cringe. Kanye is better.

Greta Van Fleet:

Have you ever heard of Led Zeppelin? It’s basically what you’re listening to, but way better.


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You check Co-Star every day. Also there’s like coin-flip odds you have a nicotine addiction.

One Direction:

Still listening to 1D in 2021 is not as ‘fun’ or as ‘quirky’ as you think it is. Harry Styles is still hot though.

Taylor Swift:

You either are, or were, a horse girl. You think Taylor Swift is an ‘indie’ artist (she’s definitely not). Maybe if you stream her another 500 times she can afford another scarf. Jake Gyllenhaal is still hot though. 

Justin Bieber:

If Spotify Wrapped™ had been a thing 9 years ago, you’d have been fucked. But Justin Bieber is actually cool now, so congratulations! Also still hot.

Phoebe Bridgers, Mitski, Frank Ocean, Lana del Rey, Soccer Mommy:

You are most likely already on a tranquilizer. If you are not on a tranquilizer, you should be.

Charli XCX:

You are completely normal. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Olivia Rodrigo:

What are you, a college student, doing listening to music made by a 17-year-old for 13-year-olds? I know what you’re doing, you’re trying to get over your breakup with some guy named Brayden or something who you were seeing for three weeks.

Billie Eilish:

You love reminding people that you started listening to her before she got popular. I promise you though, nobody cares. 


You like eating at Chick-Fil-A, and not even because you particularly like the food. You’re especially angry about January 6 because they almost hurt Mike Pence.

Doja Cat:

You like Doja Cat because of her versatility and her consistently high-level effort and energy. I like Doja Cat because she’s super fucking hot and I can’t get the ‘get into it yuh’ song out of my head. We are not the same.

Ed Sheeran:

He’s in love with my body. They say I just got a buck. Get into it, yuh. Pop out with a truck. Get into it, yuh.

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