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Saturday, May 25, 2024
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Santa and Keebler elves

Santa Claus to have lipo after replacing staff with Keebler elves

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Santa Claus has never been known for his slim physique. While the health conscious often reach for green juice and protein bars, Santa opts for milk and cookies. Still, after nearly 2000 years, Kringle has managed not to veer out of the obese category. However, after rumblings of an elf-union potentially forming, Claus opted to replace his staff with the Keebler elves, resulting in a significant weight gain and the decision to have liposuction. 

After some speculation, it has been confirmed that the doctor Father Christmas has chosen to perform the surgery is none other than Dr. Nowzaradan of “My 600-lb Life.” For the unfamiliar, Nowzaradan — best known as Dr. Now — is like Jillian Michaels if she had been born in 1944, gone to medical school and looked like sans-mustache Iranian Mario.

According to the North American Aerospace Defense Command, Santa’s weight previously hovered around 260 lbs. Given that Dr. Now is best known for his work on the TLC show, it is likely that Santa Claus has gained in the neighborhood of 340 lbs. 

While Santa and Mrs. Claus have stuck to their preference of avoiding speaking publicly, longtime assistant Alvin Openslae agreed to comment.

“Whenever the elves would end the day having made many irredeemable mistakes, they would prevent Mr. Claus from getting frustrated by giving him boxes of cookies,” Openslae began. “Given that the Keebler elves were hired despite having no experience building toys, Santa received lots of apology cookies.”

Openslae went on to say that Santa submitted himself to the fact that he could not control his cookie intake, but did try to amend the issue on his own through exercise. Unfortunately, the bitter North Pole weather and the obstacles that come with a 600 pound, 1,750-year-old man walking in two feet of snow made the task difficult. 

Claus did burn calories by spending long hours re-making the toys that the elves messed up, but this was negated due to Kringle becoming a stress eater. 

Former workshop elf Iwan Minstix believes that relationship troubles is what ultimately led Santa to seek out Dr. Now’s help.

“After spending all day eating Keebler cookies, the chocolate chip cookies that Mrs. Claus made for him probably just didn’t have the same magic that they once did. Given that he had enjoyed them hundreds of times without any sign of fatigue, she began to feel unappreciated,” Minstix said. 

By taking action now, Santa Claus will be able to get to a low enough weight to fly in his sleigh without snapping the spines of his reindeer by Christmas Eve. Even better, those close to Claus believe that once he tastes millions of homemade cookies, he will come to his senses and regain a preference for cookies not stored in a plastic tray.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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