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Friday, January 28, 2022
Toilet paper

The single-ply papermash disintegrates on impact, rendering it nearly useless.

UW-Madison has its own toilet paper ambassador

UW-Madison has its own toilet paper ambassador

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

With a rise in student ambassadors repping various companies that cater to college aged students, I was curious about what kind of variety these companies would offer. Sure, clothing’s great, but who else wants to dine at the student-marketing table?

Meet Iris Batty-Shtick, who goes by IBS. She is the first toilet paper brand ambassador to represent UW-Madison. The undisclosed toilet paper company made sure to overtly emphasize her racial, sexual and gender identities. It served as great news for their underpaid and overworked workers.

When asked about the opportunity, IBS said it was an offer that was hard to refuse. “They told me my name was of particular interest and that I would get all the toilet paper I could ever need, for free! It was an offer I simply could not refuse.” When asked about people that were skeptical because of her brand being associated with toilet paper, IBS, a business major, called it a “savvy move that normies wouldn’t understand” and that “her PowerPoint skills and 10 credit course load set her up for success.”

IBS presents toilet paper in many different ways on her socials and in-person. Every Sunday, IBS posts a giveaway on her Instagram. She also presents different kinds of toilet paper for different moods. There’s the use-when-you-jerk-off variety, the cry-your-eyes-out variety and the walk-of-shame variety. There’s also the replicate-uw-toilets-after-graduating variety, which is just sandpaper for folks graduating soon. 

Of course, IBS hasn’t neglected the main target demographic for the toilet paper: a student body that’s overly reliant on coffee and alcohol to function. There exist special collections tailor-made for coffee lovers and alcohol lovers. The TPresso, as it is known for coffee enthusiasts, provides encouragement to the buyer to keep consuming coffee. That way, they can keep using the best toilet paper in business. While alcohol lovers are provided a pamphlet with instructions on how to make toilet paper moonshine

Putting politics aside, I can only predict more diverse brands interested in tapping into our student body’s potential. After all, everyone wants what IBS and the toilet paper industry have.

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