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Thursday, April 18, 2024
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Man refusing COVID-19 vaccine consumes body and blood of a Hebrew man who died 2000 years ago on weekly basis

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Since the Pfizer vaccine was approved last winter, billions of people around the world have decided to get the jab. However, many Americans continue to refuse to be vaccinated against COVID-19 due to concerns that the research done by scientists just isn’t up to snuff in comparison to that done by random bloggers or podcast host and Ultimate Fighting Championship color commentator Joe Rogan. 

Rich Schuster, 54, is one such American. Schuster’s case is a curious one; he will not receive a single dose of the vaccine, yet each week, he eats the body of a Hebrew man who died in roughly A.D. 30. 

While one would assume that a habit such as this would be practiced in secret, an investigation concluded that Schuster does this along with dozens of others in a ceremony viewable to anybody who walks through the doors of St. Michael’s Catholic Church. Each participant is fed the centuries-old flesh by a balding man in a robe, which is typically green, but can also be colors such as purple, white, red or pink depending on whether or not it was an important day in the life of a carpenter’s son from 2,000 years ago. 

For some time, the working theory was that those who receive the body do so under the belief that the flesh has physical healing properties. However, this was negated in two ways. First, before the churchgoers have the meal, it is clearly stated that while they do not deserve to consume the body or its blood, they will do so anyway because it heals the soul; there is no mention of physical health. Secondly, even if the flesh did have medicinal properties, it would certainly be negated by the four pancakes, half a pound of bacon and four cups of black coffee ingested without fail at a local diner an hour later. 

A reporter from The Daily Cardinal attempted to question Schuster after mass on Sunday, Oct. 31, but he was not seen exiting the church. After waiting several hours, Schuster was seen entering the building; he then walked into a small wooden room with the robed man and apologized for missing the feeding — along with several other confessions that should probably be kept on the down-low. 

After exiting the room, he was found kneeling with his hands squeezed together and mumbling the Hail Mary, a prayer to the mother of Jesus, with the hope that she will aid him in making it on time to eat her son’s body next week. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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