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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, August 07, 2022
A new look at college placement exams

gre stress

Campus rumor: Professors conspired to make deadlines as inconvenient as possible

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

University of Wisconsin-Madison students were able to take a breath last week as midterms officially came to a close. Evidently, roughly three tenths of a second into said breath, professors all around campus decided that it was time to work together to ensure that each student had at least three ten-page papers, two projects and other busy work due within the next week. 

However, it’s possible that this decision was not made as a result of pure evil. Rather, one could argue that professors are simply trying to get students in the holiday spirit by making them as thankful as possible for the extra two days away from the classroom afforded by Thanksgiving break. 

While they are in the minority, some students believe that they benefited from the lack of free time.

“I was actually considering dropping out. I knew that there was only about a month left in the semester anyway, but I wanted to put my mental health first,” said sophomore Jaden Hurst. “But between the nine hours of classes, eight hours of homework and four hours of sleep, I just haven’t had time to think about it any more.” 

Communications major Daniel Rosch has also found benefits to this week’s onslaught.

“For a while there, I was going out multiple times a week. I wouldn’t say I had a drinking problem, but I was getting drunk more than I probably should’ve,” said Rosch. “Once I was assigned several papers that required four academic articles on topics that apparently nobody has ever written about, my brain was numbed in a way that only alcohol had been able to provide before.”

It’s not completely understood why professors are doing this. Especially at higher levels, professors are not immune to the grind of grading. The current working assumption is that they simply don’t care, as the TAs can take care of that anyway. If they’re lucky, teaching assistants may even receive a pat on the back or — for a really good job, a Quaker granola bar found in the bottom of a dirty purse. 

With just a week to go until Thanksgiving break, there is little that can be done to call out instructors. On the bright side, students can rest assured knowing that they will soon be able to eat dry turkey and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade from the comfort of their grandma’s 30 year-old couch. 

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