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Sunday, August 07, 2022
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Witte “Shower Shitter” inspires copycat attacks throughout student housing

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Those who were unfortunate enough to live in Witte Residence Hall during the 2019-20 school year no doubt still have severe trauma from memories of the “Witte poop bandit.”

The criminal was able to get away with defecating in handfuls of Witte showers until a vigilante martyr hero was able to photograph him in the act, “red-anused” if you will, and post the picture throughout Witte. For his brave deed, he was kicked out of student housing for “violating the privacy” of the shower shitter. Truly a clown world.

After the sham, unjust cancellation of the exemplar student-turned-detective, the only thing standing between the bandit and Witte’s showers was Chancellor Rebecca Blank. For some time, the threat of physical violence at the hands of Becky kept residence hall washrooms safe.

But now that Willie the Wildcat is beating the breaks off those cheeks 24/7, a rash of copycat attacks has broken out in Witte, and in all other UW dorms as well.

“This is getting completely out of control,” said Sellery House Fellow Grobert L. Meloy. “There’s a mud-pie in literally every single one of the men's showers, and in half of the women's showers too. They’re even starting to target the urinals.”

All 21 of Wisconsin’s residence halls have reported at least one attack from the legion of shower shitters over the last two weeks, with Southeast dorms being hit the hardest. House Fellows say it’s clear these attacks are coordinated, as each is accompanied by a ransom-style note which reads “eat shit, fuck you.”

It’s unclear why these copycat attacks are taking place, or what, if anything, the poop bandits want. Experts speculate that the cause of the shit storm may simply be “spooky SZN.”

What is clear is that as long as Chancellor Blank is busy getting busy with Willie the Wildcat, and local police are busy shooting each other and doing on-campus car chases, there is no end in sight to these attacks. 

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