Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, April 18, 2024
chryst looking like a dufus.jpeg

Paul Chryst Invites Taliban Fighters to Camp Randall to Help Badgers Prepare for Army

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In anticipation for his team’s showdown with Army on Saturday night, Head Coach Paul Chryst invited Taliban guerillas to his team’s practice Wednesday to help them prepare. 

“We gotta beat the Army this weekend, so I figured why not bring in somebody who’s done it before,” Chryst told reporters between long swigs of Coors Light.

A week after shutting out Illinois and Brett Bielema, who looks like he’s had a Coors Banquet for every one of Chryst’s Coors Lights, Wisconsin has still yet to beat a real division-one NCAA team — sorry again directional Michigan. Unfortunately they won’t get an opportunity to do so Saturday, but Chryst appears to be excited for the opportunity to continue stomping out clearly inferior opponents

“Thirty-nine total points? More like 39th parallel north,” Chryst said, referring to the game’s over/under. “Bet the under, because the Army can’t touch either.”

A confident Chryst and his Badgers have apparently learned a lot from the Taliban this week. Starting RB Chez Mellusi noted that the wisdom they brought was “far more educational than any class [he’s] taken in the B-School.”

“The first thing Abu told me was that we have to take advantage of playing on our home field,” Chryst said. “We know the terrain, and they don’t. Apparently that’s a pretty big deal.”

The Taliban also emphasized that Wisconsin needs to win the time of possession battle, already one of the team's strengths. The fighters told the Badgers that if they can keep Army’s defense on the field long enough, they’ll eventually give up and go home.

“When you’re out there in the cold trying to tackle a 240-pound Braelon Allen, 20 minutes can feel like 20 years, which is pretty much exactly long enough,” said one Taliban soldier.

However, Wisconsin did not incorporate all of the Taliban’s suggestions for the game-plan, which included removing the “Hail Mary” from the Badgers’ playbook, advocating for a different last-resort strategy. 

“Take it from us,” said the Taliban soldiers. “If you tell them your victory is vital to defeat communism, the Army will actually help you.”

Enjoy what you're reading? Get content from The Daily Cardinal delivered to your inbox
Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2024 The Daily Cardinal