In anticipation for his team’s showdown with Army on Saturday night, Head Coach Paul Chryst invited Taliban guerillas to his team’s practice Wednesday to help them prepare.
“We gotta beat the Army this weekend, so I figured why not bring in somebody who’s done it before,” Chryst told reporters between long swigs of Coors Light.
A week after shutting out Illinois and Brett Bielema, who looks like he’s had a Coors Banquet for every one of Chryst’s Coors Lights, Wisconsin has still yet to beat a real division-one NCAA team — sorry again directional Michigan. Unfortunately they won’t get an opportunity to do so Saturday, but Chryst appears to be excited for the opportunity to continue stomping out clearly inferior opponents
“Thirty-nine total points? More like 39th parallel north,” Chryst said, referring to the game’s over/under. “Bet the under, because the Army can’t touch either.”
A confident Chryst and his Badgers have apparently learned a lot from the Taliban this week. Starting RB Chez Mellusi noted that the wisdom they brought was “far more educational than any class [he’s] taken in the B-School.”
“The first thing Abu told me was that we have to take advantage of playing on our home field,” Chryst said. “We know the terrain, and they don’t. Apparently that’s a pretty big deal.”
The Taliban also emphasized that Wisconsin needs to win the time of possession battle, already one of the team's strengths. The fighters told the Badgers that if they can keep Army’s defense on the field long enough, they’ll eventually give up and go home.
“When you’re out there in the cold trying to tackle a 240-pound Braelon Allen, 20 minutes can feel like 20 years, which is pretty much exactly long enough,” said one Taliban soldier.
However, Wisconsin did not incorporate all of the Taliban’s suggestions for the game-plan, which included removing the “Hail Mary” from the Badgers’ playbook, advocating for a different last-resort strategy.
“Take it from us,” said the Taliban soldiers. “If you tell them your victory is vital to defeat communism, the Army will actually help you.”