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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, August 07, 2022
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Man dismayed after learning that horror movie isn’t based on actual murder

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

With Halloween coming up on Sunday, people around the country are getting into the spirit by getting their costumes together, carving pumpkins and, of course, watching horror movies. However, one local man was dismayed after learning that the horror movie he watched was not based on a true story. 

“It’s really just so disappointing,” said Sun Prairie resident Justin Lyons after watching Bryan Bertino’s “The Strangers.” “I was told that the movie was inspired by true stories. Afterwards, I learned that the story was stretched to the point where it was practically all made up.” 

Lyons referred to the film as “a waste of an hour and a half” that he could’ve used to work on his Joker impression for an upcoming Halloween party. 

“Frankly, if nobody had to be murdered in order for a horror film to be created, then I don’t want to give it any of my time,” Lyons confessed. “Otherwise, it feels so run-of-the-mill. These movies need that touch of real-life trauma.”

Lyons expressed that plotlines about reported demonic possession or events that resulted in severe injury with lifelong damage would work in a pinch, but would be “the bare minimum.” 

“I want to be able to Google the real story while I’m watching the movie,” Lyons noted. “Looking at old pictures on my phone of the actual victim still full of hope and life as the actor portraying them gets brutally stabbed on my television really adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the experience.”

While Lyons was irritated after learning that the film he watched was completely fictional, he quickly rebounded by watching documentaries about homegrown serial killers Jeffrey Dahmer and Ed Gein. 

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