Libra (September 23 - October 22)
The air drying out is doing wonders for your skin, and that turtle-neck sweater you’ve been waiting all summer to put on looks HOT. Consider applying for a position at the new Target on State Street so you can be their next sexy, viral employee.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
The sun is beaming high-frequency rays directly into your brain, making you incredibly energetic and productive. Do all of your homework for the week today, and then hit me up if you’re bored and looking for more homework to do.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Mercury is out of retrograde, but you are still depressed because it’s cuffing season and you haven’t felt human touch in months. Time to fire up your Bumble again.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Mid-terms were incredibly stressful for you, mostly because you’re not very smart. Put your brain back in sleep mode, because you’re badly going to need it fully charged for the next round of exams.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
The moon is creating a high-tide of blood in your nether regions. You’re as lonely as Sagittarius, but even more horny. Try sending Sag a desperate 3 a.m. text this weekend.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your life is out of control, and you’re totally unstable right now. Police departments across the country are looking for workers and would love to hire you.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Did you know that former U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell — rest in piss — was an Aries? It’s time for a new Aries king/queen to step up and lie about weapons of mass destruction, fund death squads and cover up massacres.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are constantly a nervous wreck, and it’s a pain in the ass for everyone around you. Crack open a cold one, light up a joint and chill for once in your life.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Nothing has changed since the last edition of Cardinal-Scopes — everyone still hates you. Consider sucking less.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You have not cried in a whole week, because things have actually been going pretty smoothly for you. Soak it in while it lasts, crybaby.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Pluto is launching itself out of its orbit, which means it’s time for you to explore a little bit too. Sagittarius and Aquarius might be down for a three-way if you ask nicely.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Put a bunch of money on the Purdue money-line (+140) vs. Wisconsin this weekend. Just trust me on this one.