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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, April 18, 2024

The Badgers have not allowed any fans in Camp Randall this year; only essential personnel are allowed in the stadium for gameday.

Camp Randall student section to be named after student who swallowed own vomit

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Camp Randall has been the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s full-time football stadium since 1917. Considering its long and storied history, the Oct. 1 announcement that the stadium’s field would soon become known as Barry Alvarez Field was not received passively; the reaction was particularly strong among those with poor reading comprehension who believed that the stadium itself was being renamed.

However, honoring the university’s longtime football coach and athletic director overshadowed another significant change — beginning in the 2022 football season, the student section will be named after Brett Rawley, a courageous student who managed to hold in his own vomit during the home win against Eastern Michigan. 

Those who have been in the student section understand how disastrous it can be when someone nearby is too drunk. These individuals often mean trouble: from fights, domino effect falls, and worst of all, projectile vomiting. While people can keep a safe distance from these drunks during tailgates, once packed into the bleachers, there will inevitably be people stuck in the splash zone. 

When too intoxicated, most find it difficult to walk down stairs, let alone choke back the body’s natural inclination to rid itself of poison — in Rawley’s case: that last Natty. Still, the junior persevered, saving those around him from a catastrophe.

According to eyewitnesses, Rawley began drinking at approximately 1 p.m. — six hours before kickoff. He began by taking several shots of Jim Beam Apple Whiskey and a few swigs of Skrewball, allowing him to tell himself that he had fruit and a third of a PB&J for lunch. He then proceeded to shotgun a beer with each of his close friends as they showed up to the tailgate, resulting in 12 additional drinks. He then seems to have gone missing for roughly two and a half hours before returning with a mostly empty jar of jungle juice from a still unknown source. Lastly, for good measure, he absolutely destroyed the aforementioned can of Natty.

Rawley is said to have been in good spirits through most of the first three quarters. However, when it was time for Jump Around, he reportedly grabbed the shoulders of the people to his sides for dear life and went pale before ultimately appearing to take a big gulp and wince.

Reporters attempted to contact Rawley after last Saturday’s Michigan game in order to get his thoughts on the honor, but those close to him stated that he had already blacked out and was carried to his room by his roommates. As a show of gratitude, however, students were seen placing Chipotle burritos, Chinese food, and Powerade outside of Rawley’s door for when he inevitably woke up to face the disaster he brought upon himself — just as his forefathers had done and he would inevitably do again.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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