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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, June 20, 2024

Texas’ economic growth attributed to sharp increase in hanger sales

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The Texas state legislature caused an uproar on Sept. 1 after passing a bill that bans abortions after about six weeks of pregnancy, often before pregnancy is noticed. This caused pushback from major companies such as GoDaddy, Lyft, Bumble, Match and Uber. 

However, the economic ramifications of this have been made irrelevant by the skyrocketing hanger sales since the bill’s passing.

While wood is generally considered to be the best material for hangers due to its sturdiness, almost all of the new orders have been for wire hangers — good news for a state that consistently ranks top five in U.S. steel production. With hanger sales greatly surpassing those of clothing, many citizens are calling the apparently unprompted increase a “gift from God.”

However, there’s yet another strange twist to this development; out of the entire state, the address that has received the most wire hangers has been the Texas State Capitol building.

“We’re not quite sure why there’s so much demand for wire hangers at the Capitol building,” said a representative for the Texas-based Tyler Steel Company. “I bet it’s just a classic case of our elected leaders looking out for their constituents — the little guy.”

The Texas Medical Association opposes the new law, but state doctors have had difficulty finding time to fight it due to a 500% increase in women falling down staircases. 

“It’s really a strange thing,” said Dr. Richard Frey. “Typically, this sort of accident occurs with elderly people. For some reason, in the last couple of weeks, most of the patients have been women and girls from the ages of 12 to 50. And we’re not talking about stumbles down the front stoop; it’s more like one, even two flights of stairs,” Dr. Frey clarified.

For better or worse, the abortion ban will leave a significant mark on the state’s history. The state curriculum tends to remove any topics involving Texas doing anything remotely wrong, but pro-choice advocates can rest assured knowing that the state will likely cut education out of the budget entirely anytime now anyway. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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