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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, September 28, 2023

Student wearing mask incorrectly somehow figures out how to use campus elevator

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

College may feel more normal than usual, but not everything is quite the way it used to be, as students are still required to wear a mask while inside of campus buildings. 

This task has proved difficult for some students, including one Ryder Geotte.

According to witnesses in Geotte’s Intro to Sports Media course, he was correctly wearing his mask all the way up until he got to class. After sitting down and removing his mask to drink from a water bottle, the student put his mask back on, but failed to cover his nose.

“At first, I thought it was just a mistake — like when one side of your mask slips off and you fix it right away,” said classmate Caitlyn Schultz. “But when I looked back over a few minutes later, nothing had changed. At that point, I knew that Ryder was doing it intentionally.” 

Schultz went on to say that this decision “set the bar underground” when it came to her expectations for Geotte’s intelligence. 

Chris Till, another student in the class, corroborated Schultz’s statement, adding, “I couldn’t help but glance at him during class. He didn’t participate during the discussion at all. Instead, he just kinda sat there with his arms crossed because he knew that the professor wouldn’t say anything despite the fact that he was sitting in the front row — he couldn’t have been more than four feet away.” 

While not confirmed, there is strong evidence to suggest that Ryder did not speak because it is difficult to do so when one is a mouth breather.

It seems as though the real surprise happened once the class was over. Upon getting up and exiting the classroom, Ryder walked to the elevator, pressed the button to enter rather than accidentally pulling the fire alarm, and was even able to recognize enough numbers to get himself to the first floor. 

“It was truly stunning,” Schultz said. “I absolutely thought that he would have to take the stairs; that way, he would’ve at least had the help of the railings in case he forgot how walking works and needed to catch himself before falling.” 

Campus scientists are intrigued by Geotte’s inspiring story to the point where they are interested in studying him. However, Geotte declined the offer after being told that it would entail going to a lab, stating that he “prefers poodles.” 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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