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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, September 22, 2023

Pfizer booster encouraged for certain groups, loud eaters asked to refrain

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

There have been questions about the long term efficacy of COVID-19 vaccines since immunizations began in December. In response, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has now recommended that certain groups receive a Pfizer booster shot. According to the statement released on Sept. 24, this includes those over the age of 65 and those with underlying medical conditions — though it is less necessary for those aged 18-49. 

However, The Daily Cardinal has received advanced intel that loud eaters are encouraged not to get the booster, regardless of whether or not they fit into any of the categories it is otherwise recommended for.

The amendment is yet to be widely reported; so much so, in fact, that the vast majority of doctors are unaware of the new addition. Luckily, the current amount of information provided by a very reputable source stands to reason. 

New research indicates that the virus reacts negatively to sounds originating from the body. This is particularly true when it comes to sounds indicating that some kind of impact is being made, like that of teeth against food. The sound waves formed by eating noises ricochet through the body, throwing the coronavirus into a state of shock and, ultimately, expulsion. In most cases, the louder one eats, the more the virus is harmed. Therefore, the best medical experts the world has to offer have made it very clear — if you don’t consume food quietly as though there are others around you with the ability to hear, you can sit the booster shot (and those in the future) out.

Those who not only eat loudly, but choose to do so while consuming slurpable foods such as yogurt, applesauce and soup are asked to go one step further by having the antibodies provided by past vaccinations extracted from their bloodstreams. According to a qualified medical doctor, these people can actually be harmed by the vaccine.

“Loud, slurp-prone eaters agitate the virus to the point where rather than being weakened, the particles work together to start a coup against the antibodies, putting extra stress on the body. Therefore, it is safer for these people to refuse vaccinations,” said Dr. Backenzie Voore, an alumnus of the Greendale School of Medicine. 

It is important to note that those belonging to cultures where slurping is encouraged are excluded from the guidelines, as the virus appears to respect cultural customs.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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