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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, April 18, 2024

Michigan Football Coach Jim Harbaugh changes pants for first time in six years

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Michigan Football Head Coach Jim Harbaugh made a trip to an Ann Arbor Kmart Thursday to get a fresh pair of khakis in preparation for his team’s trip to Madison this weekend. 

The move is nothing short of historic for Harbaugh, who has worn the exact same pair of Walmart khaki pants since he took over as the leader of Michigan’s football program in 2015.

“I want to look my best for my first ever win in Madison,” Harbaugh explained to reporters. “And anyways, my old pair was getting dirty from me shitting myself every time I’ve had to play Ohio State.”

Harbaugh and his Wolverines are riding high after winning their first four games to start the new season, and Harbaugh believes that his team’s fortunes in Camp Randall will turn this Saturday.

“Listen, I know my program hasn’t won a football game in that stadium since before Nelly’s ‘Hot in Here’ was topping the charts, and I know I’ve gotten my ass handed to me on all my previous three trips, but we’re winning Saturday,” Harbaugh said. 

Unfortunately for Badgers fans, Harbaugh’s confidence is not unfounded. The undefeated Wolverines, who have allowed fewer than 12 points per game this season, will face a Badgers offense that has been thoroughly stifled by every real Division 1 team it has played this year — sorry Eastern Michigan. 

“I mean come on, their quarterback has one touchdown to six interceptions through three games,” Harbaugh said. “Paul Chryst’s wife puts up better numbers when she comes over to my house to play Madden.”

But despite Wisconsin’s lackluster start to the 2021 campaign, sports books still have the home team as a slight favorite (-1) over Michigan. 

“Maybe the guys in Vegas know something I don’t, but I’m putting my entirely undeserved $4 million salary on Michigan +1,” Harbaugh said. “Have those guys even watched a Badgers game yet?”

Any fans who would like to join Harbaugh in collecting free money will need to place their bets against the Badgers by 11 a.m. Saturday morning, because we have to keep scheduling high-profile games into that God-forsaken time slot for some reason. You’re telling me I gotta roll out of bed at 8 a.m. to start drinking again? Fuck me.

Speaking of boozing before and during the game, Paul Chryst told reporters he’s made no plans to change his sideline wardrobe at this time and will be wearing the same grey crewneck sweatshirt that he’s been sleeping in since 2019.

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