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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 24, 2022

After Week of Chaos, Joe Biden Orders Re-Invasion of Afghanistan

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

As mask mandates return, ICU beds fill to capacity with dying children and another soft lockdown looms, one issue is on the minds of Americans’ this week: important gains have been lost in Afghanistan’s Uruzgan province.

Accordingly, just a few months after ordering a full withdrawal of U.S. forces from Afghanistan, the Biden administration has announced that it’s planning a re-invasion of the country American troops have occupied for the last 20 years.

“Nobody batted an eye when I voted to invade Afghanistan, and everyone is yelling at me now that we’re leaving, so going back in is really a no-brainer,” Biden told reporters after making the announcement on Wednesday.

The White House has stressed that when the US invades Afghanistan a second time, it will be with an actual goal — something we crucially lacked the first time around.

“Unlike our last invasion, which was just about heroin and rare-earth elements, the purpose of this invasion will be something far more righteous: feminism,” a statement from the administration said. 

After all, a society like that under the Taliban is totally antithetical to American values. It almost makes one think we should stop selling missiles to Saudi Arabia.

On top of that, the Taliban is violent, barbaric and terroristic — also antithetical to American values. Just don’t ask about the 12 year-old Afghani schoolchildren who were murdered by CIA-backed death squads a couple years ago, or about the fact that U.S. and Afghan forces regularly killed more civilians than the Taliban did.

Finally, Biden has emphasized that the fact that we’re invading Afghanistan again doesn’t mean our first invasion was a failure. 

“We did not lose the first war in Afghanistan,” said Biden. “We trained and armed so many forces, and we’ve built up so much goodwill and popular support over the last 20 years, that it almost took the Taliban an entire week to completely topple the government we propped up there.”

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