In college, most students go out with one goal in mind: to get drunk as quickly and cheaply as possible. At UW-Madison, Mondays has long been the go-to dive bar to achieve this. Last Friday night, however, this sacred bond was broken when a bartender agreed to only pour one shot of liquor into a vodka cranberry. The employee was later fired once the customer finished their drink and was still found to be able to have a coherent conversation.
“You know, you hear about this kind of thing, but you never expect it to happen so close to you,” Brad Powell, who was on the scene, said with the tearful eyes of someone who just witnessed the death of their childhood labrador. “We’re supposed to be better than this, you know? This one just hurts. And I think it will hurt for a long time.”
Efforts to speak to the customer have been unfruitful. In speaking to her classmates, however, it has been learned that she has been attending all of her Zoom classes this week and appears to have been working very hard — undeniably suspicious activity.
Her friends, who say her name is Rachel, were more than willing to express concern. “This just isn’t like her — she just got drunk two weekends ago,” they said about the senior pre-med student. “The night of the incident, she was really stressed because she had to take the MCAT the next day.”
Upon initial thought, some would say that this is a decent reason to only have one drink at a time. But following careful research, it has been uncovered that the MCAT did not begin until 3 p.m. the next day and that Rachel is, in fact, not a Puritan.
The bartender, on the other hand, is in purgatory. First spotted just three days after the initial incident, he was discovered to be working at Wando’s with a suspiciously droopy black mustache and a hastily made name tag that claims his name is Marco. After careful review of drunkenly posted Instagram stories, it has been learned that “Marco” is only allowed to make Fishbowls as a penance for his sins.
Due to a strong sense of disgust throughout its ranks and the belief that doing so would be cruel, an Almanac reporter was not sent to interview the wet piece of Wonder Bread™ of a man. Stay safe out there.