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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, April 12, 2021
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Memorial union to give students free MREs

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The Memorial Union announced today that students with a green Badger Badge will now be able to receive a free Meals, Ready-to-Eat. While meals are factory made and are not being distributed until the week of April 25, orders must be placed within the next week so that the packages can be sorted into boxes “when the vibe feels right” for the Union employees. 

When questioned about why MRE were being allocated to college students in Wisconsin rather than soldiers currently stationed in Afghan combat zones, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin simply stated that “They just have it bad, man.”

The belief amongst campus officials is that providing the free meals will improve student morale. According to Jonathan, a sophomore who currently sports a black garbage bag as a spring jacket, mission accomplished.

“As someone who never left their apartment to begin with, I used to be bothered that I had to go out of my way to enter a room with more human saliva than could be produced by a chewing tobacco-addicted grandma plowing through a bag of Werther’s Originals,” Jonathan said. “But now that I have the chance to get food that is shelf stable and heats up on its own, I don’t feel as bad that I’ve been behind on my utility bill since I paid for my classes this semester.”

However, not everyone will be so lucky, as the student-to-supply ratio is expected to be 5-to-1. Still, not all hope is lost. According to an anonymous source, once the inventory is low, students will no longer be able to reserve a meal. Instead, those interested will have to participate and win in multiple rounds of hand-to-hand combat against their peers to obtain one of the pouch-packaged delicacies. 

Some may be concerned about how this campus-sanctioned violence will impact the safety of the community, but not to worry. Chancellor Rebecca Blank is the final boss and has been training Rocky style during off-hours at the Nick in preparation; there are unlikely to be survivors. 

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