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Tuesday, April 20, 2021
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Five signs your father is having an affair with Lil Nas X

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The release of the music video for Lil Nas X’s new hit song “Montero” on Friday triggered by far the best internet discourse since Trump has left office — RIP bozo. 

The video, which depicts Lil Nas X riding a stripper pole to hell and giving Satan a lapdance, sparked outrage among America’s Christian right and others who have never had sex in any position other than missionary.

In some cases their indignation manifested itself as personal attacks, but in other cases the pearl-clutching took on a more scholarly form: “most all of our Founding Fathers are turning over in their graves about now,” one leading pastor declared. 

To be fair, this is probably true. After all, Lil Nas X is not a slave as the Founding Fathers intended. But let yourself forget about the Founding Fathers for a moment and focus instead on your own father.

Lil Nas X? Sucking and fucking with my dad? It’s more likely than you may think.

  1. He’s started dressing like Billy Ray Cyrus

Cowboy hats and comically large belt buckles are the clearest indicators.

  1. He sings along to the “Old Town Road” Lyric, “cheated on my baby, you can go and ask her.”

This is obviously a huge red flag.

  1. He has a new habit of using the phrase “horses in the back.”

Where did he pick this up? And what does that even mean?

  1. You’ve shit your pants at a frat party.
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If this doesn’t apply to you, you might be struggling to find the correlation here. But if you have passed out after three white claws and loaded your undergarments in a moldy fraternity house basement, your dad might be cheating on your mom with Lil Nas X.

  1. You are Kaitlin Bennett.

You’re the only one that can’t see it, Kaitlin. I know he raised you with Conservative Christian values or whatever, but it is a mathematical certainty that your father is having regular sexual relations with Lil Nas X. I’m terribly sorry you had to find out this way.

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