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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023

"Cardinal-Scopes” Returns

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) 

Now that Valentine’s day has come and gone, your relationship doesn’t seem so great anymore, does it Pisces? We can all see that you secretly hate your significant other.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Somehow, you hate your job even more than Pisces hates their romantic partner. You should probably quit without giving a two-weeks notice.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

It’s time to stop overthinking and live a little. Be a homewrecker and cheat with a Pisces who’s in a committed relationship.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

I checked just to be safe, and yeah, everyone still hates you even more than Pisces hates their sweetheart. I’m really not sure what you guys expect at this point. 

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You are having a really rough go of it lately. Either you have been crying or will cry soon. Are you dating a Pisces?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) 

Much like a lion, everyone feels uneasy and afraid in your presence. Most of your friends secretly dislike you — much like Pisces secretly dislikes their lover.

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Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

I think this is the luckiest sign? I don’t know, go play slots or something. Or, better yet, get lucky by having rebound sex with Cancer after Pisces dumps them.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It’s past time that you be honest with yourself and with the world. You’re the friend of Pisces who has been manipulating them into hating their better half, aren’t you? Shame on you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Now is the time for you to take on that challenging project, because Mars is giving you strength or something like that. In fact, right now, you’re much, much stronger than Pisces’ relationship. 

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) 

Thanks to the moon, you’re bouncing off the walls like you just shotgunned three Red Bulls. Try lending some of that energy to Pisces; maybe they can use it to try to fix their relationship.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Your week will be marked by a sense of confusion. You may find yourself asking questions like: “What did I do last night?” and “Why won’t Cancer shut the fuck up and stop crying?”

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You’re really stressed out thanks to Pluto’s shenanigans. Give yourself a day off; you’ve earned it. Don’t worry about what your Cancer roommate is crying about. They’ll get over it.

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