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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023

Tom Brady’s soul pact with the devil, collusion with Roger Goodell continue to pay dividends

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Any football fan who’s been paying attention the last 20 years knew exactly how this was going to go, even if they wouldn’t let themselves admit it. 

Of course the Bucs were going to get all the calls — actually breaking a Super Bowl record for most first downs converted via penalty — of course the Chiefs’ receivers’ hands would turn to butter, of course Mahomes’ backup-calibur O-line would do everything in its effort to keep their social distance from Jason Pierre-Paul and Shaq Barrett. Because this is what always happens when Tom Brady is involved.

Although in our heart of hearts we all knew the “what?” many of us are still asking “why?” Why, God, have you forsaken us? Why do we have to watch this MAGA-hat-wearing douche win another one? Why must we listen to Tony Romo and other sports media personalities incessantly salivate over his greatness to the point that it sounds like they’re horny? Is this some type of cruel punishment you’ve decided to dole out to this country for what we’ve done to the rest of the world?

Allow me to posit my own theory — there’s nothing my God can do about this, because Tom Brady has sold his soul to Satan in exchange for eternal youth and good fortune, and the NFL is more than willing to aid in the bidding of the lord of the underworld as long as it helps their ratings.

Tell me what seems more likely to you:

Do NFL officials call pass interference penalties to bail Brady out on obviously uncatchable balls simply because they, like Jim Nantz, have a huge crush on him? Or is it because Roger Goodell knows that larger-than-life characters like Brady always draw higher TV ratings?

Is Brady immune to the effects of aging because he’s never eaten a tomato? Or does he retain his youth by draining blood from children as a sacrifice to the Angel of Darkness?

Is it mere coincidence that COVID-19 protocol deprived us of watching Brady give his son a big, fat, wet kiss postgame? Or have Bill Gates and the Chinese Communist Party been scapegoated all along in an effort to divert our attention from the mad scientist who really created coronavirus, Commissioner Goodell? 

I’m just asking questions. 

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