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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023

Alpha Sigma Phi received their suspension for hazing allegations by UW-Madison Friday. 

Stock Market Rocks Madison

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The effects of the shifting stock market could be felt all over Madison during the past week. Gphi Sophomore Beth Sanders even went as far as saying the stock market ruined her weekend. “The boys were like totally on their phones all night,” and they didn’t even notice the new top that she had bought from Pitaya. 

Madison Econ majors had a bad week too, freaking out over their losses. Freshman Henry Cruz was caught on tape saying “this is the worst thing to happen to me financially.” It was later found out Cruz had only put in 15 dollars. 

Psychology major Anne Baker said she could totally tell when the stock market had gone up versus down. When it went up, the frat boys would whoop and play “Come On, Eileen,” while when there was a loss, the frat seemed to get morose and philosophical, whimpering quietly to “Summertime Sadness,” by Lana Del Rey. 

Visitors of the frat this weekend reported watching frat boys sing a little too passionately to “Gold Digger,” by Kanye West. It can be assumed that they could finally relate to West, in the sense that girls only want them for their money. 

Tensions were high at the end of the night, when frat boys reportedly beat up a film major for chiming in on their serious conversation about the cryptocurrency “DOGE” and saying that he too loves Shiba Inus.

At the dorms, stocks were the talk of the halls as well. One freshman in Witte even said she walked past a room at 2 a.m. where she could hear them softly chanting “AMC, AMC, AMC to the moon.” She quickly ran to her RA’s room, worried for her neighbors, and mid-knock heard him mumbling too. 

A Chad resident told his friends in the beginning of the year that his dad worked for a hedge fund. No one has heard from him in days, and his RA found a polaroid dated 2009 of him and his dad in the trash outside. The photo was unrecognizable and crossed out with a red X. 

During a casual Sellery elevator conversation, a girl was overheard talking about her GME profits. The boys in the elevator laughed and asked her where she had even heard about the stock market from. She told them she’s been on Reddit since 2018. The boys responded “b-b-but  girls don’t use Reddit?!” 

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