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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023
Climate scientist upset to be proven wrong

Climate scientists forced to admit global warming actually was a hoax all along

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In the midst of a record cold snap causing power outages and deaths across the country, some Americans with unmatched critical thinking skills are once again asking: How globe warming if cold outside?

Facebook aunts and grandfathers took to the servers to flex their big brains this week, still riding their high from Donald Trump’s acquittal in the Senate on Saturday.

“How can you keep saying global warming is real when I woke up this morning to find every single one of my hogs was dead because it’s not cost-efficient to heat the barns,” said one Iowa factory-farmer whose brain is completely smooth, harboring not a single wrinkle or fold.

Leading climate academics were forced to dismiss everything they’ve learned over the course of their professional lives when confronted with the air-tight logic of people who have previously pointed out that the globe can’t possibly be warming if their fridge is still cold.

“Some of my more naive colleagues have suggested that the polar vortex is actually caused by a destabilization of the polar jet stream, which is a totally predictable side-effect of climate change,” said renowned climate researcher Doctor Don Drungle. “But I think they’re grasping at straws and it’s time for us to admit we were wrong.”

Despite the protests of a few ideologues, the climatologist community has all but unanimously decided that the gig is up and that it’s time to start focusing on real issues, such as Gina Carano getting kicked off the baby Yoda show because she couldn’t stop posting nazi memes. 

“It’s totally immaterial that global temperature anomalies have risen in near-perfect concordance with atmospheric CO2 concentrations since the beginning of the British industrial revolution,” Drungle said. “I’m freezing my God-damned balls off out here.”

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