After being inaugurated as president just over a week ago, Joe Biden has already shattered the office’s approval rating record, which peaked at an unprecedented 97% after he decriminalized driving under the influence of alcohol.
Despite the fact Biden was quoted just one year ago as saying he “[didn’t] count drunk driving as a felony,” the executive order that he signed on the first day of his presidency shocked his closest advisors, who reportedly warned him that such an action would be extremely dangerous. The commander in chief was not deterred, and, according to sources, told one disgruntled advisor to “relax, quit bein’ a square.”
Shortly after signing the order, Biden took questions from reporters. He became visibly upset when asked to give an explanation for the move.
“Come on Mack, when I was in the Senate we didn’t have these newfangled Ubers. It didn’t matter whether you’d had one too many whiskey-sours, and well, you know what I mean.”
There is mounting speculation that Biden was pushed to sign the order by Vice President Kamala Harris, who somehow always sounds like she’s just washed down a dose of Klonopin with exactly two and a half glasses of a California red blend.
While the nationwide data is still inconclusive, Wisconsin has not yet seen any significant effect- negative or positive of the new policy.
“Most of y’all might as well have been drunk before,” said Madison’s police chief. “It snows 2 inches and all of the sudden you assholes start driving like you’re having a stroke behind the wheel.”
Police unions around the country are praising the move as well, noting that it frees them up to do more important work, such as arresting people for low-level Marijuana possession and taking selfies with Q-anon people in the U.S. Capitol building.