To everyone’s surprise, Joe seems to be doing extremely well — knock on wood. As the margin of victory grows wider and wider within the continental states, Trump is looking at another potential path to victory.
“These Puerto Ricans, they’re so beautiful, their country, it’s so vast and beautiful, except the parts without power, am I right folks.” Trump said in a press conference announcing he would be creating an executive order to grant Puerto Rico statehood in a last-ditch effort to gain his last necessary electorates.
The conference almost went without a slipup until a brief moment he assumed his mic was cut and he whispered to the heap of decaying skin next to him, Mitch McConnell, “I’ve golfed there, it’s a shithole country compared to my beautiful Mar-a-logo.”
Trump explained in yet another viral tweet how successful his strategy would be given his historic popularity with Latinx voters.
In return for the newest US voter’s unwavering support, Trump promises to build a wall around the border to protect from any other foreseeable natural disasters after Hurricane Maria in 2017. He also pledges to add a small loan of a million dollars to their military budget so that they can bomb the insides of future storms.
“Couldn’t you just launch a better climate change initiative, like maybe reentering the Paris Climate accord?” asked a reporter. Trump silently drooled and farted on the stage, sputtering on about the coast guard cleaning beaches so they wouldn’t start on fire.
Whether or not this strategy will work for or against Trump is yet to be determined, but one thing is for sure — Puerto Rico will finally be a democracy after years of disgusting socialism.