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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023
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Lincoln: “Nobody asked me if I wanted to be removed – because I do”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In an interview with campus newspapers on Tuesday, Chancellor Rebecca Blank stated that the removal of a historic statue of Abraham Lincoln on Bascom Hill was a “nonstarter,” shutting down demands made by various BIPOC organizations and individuals on campus who have claimed the statue serves to reinforce white supremacy.

“Nobody asked me if I wanted to be removed from campus, though. Because for the record, I do,” the statue of Lincoln told reporters. “I could not be more in the middle of the campus COVID-19 hotspot, each new protest threatens to topple me over like my friends and colleagues and, also, what the shit is up with all the foot rubbing? You know I can’t buy new shoes right!”

Lincoln has overlooked campus from atop Bascom Hill for over 100 years, enduring the Great Depression, World War II and the campus protests during the Vietnam War, but it seems as if 2020 has finally gotten to the statue. Lincoln wants out.

“I tried reaching out to UHS for mental health support, but they told me I had to wait three months like all the other students. I think it may just be time to go,” Lincoln explained. “Besides, I can’t have people thinking I’m a beacon of white supremacy. Do you know how many Tik Tok followers that will cost me?”

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