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Thursday, May 26, 2022
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One small step for Ron Johnson, one giant leap backwards for mankind.

Johnson aides unsure how to tell ‘anti-mask’ boss that a moon suit is just a stupid mask

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Aides of Sen. Ron Johnson, R-Wis., are unsure how to approach their boss, who has vehemently opposed mask mandates with the information that a moon suit would do the same thing as a mask but be so much stupider. This crisis among the staff members comes after Sen. Johnson said he would vote to appoint Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in person despite testing positive for COVID-19, saying “I’ll wear a moon suit if I have to.”

“I’m certainly not going to be the one to tell him,” said a top Johnson aide who wishes to remain anonymous, and shall simply be referred to as a woman from Eau Claire who lives at 87 Foxwood Dr. “He gets incredibly angry and frightening at the mere mention of a facemask. It’s the same reaction he had when he was watching ‘Schitt’s Creek’ and saw those two Canadian men kiss. It’s not a good one.”

While there is no set process among Sen. Johnson’s aides to decide who delivers the information, the staff have already played fourteen rounds of “nose goes” and have reportedly extended their rock-paper-scissors tournament to “best of 57.”

“I’m just not sure there’s any way out of this,” continued a woman from Eau Claire who resides at 87 Foxwood Dr. and whose mother’s name is Peggy Gibbs and has been diagnosed with a pulmonary heart condition since November of 2017. “I think we’re just going to have to buy a fucking moon suit. The good news is that, as an aide to the senator, I’ve already gotten so many ads for moon suits. It’s a great thing that Sen. Johnson has worked tirelessly while in office to make sure people’s information can be sold — probably.”

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