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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
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ASM to hold next ‘No Confidence’ vote in Ian’s Mac & Cheese Pizza

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

One week after their bold decision to vote “no confidence” in the UW-Madison Police Department, Associated Students of Madison have moved to voice their disapproval for another problematic institution at the university.

“As much as it pains me to say it, I must speak the truth. Ian’s Mac & Cheese Pizza is just fucking noodles on bread,” ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick said in a statement on Thursday. “For too long, students have experienced injustice as they pay for a gooey and satisfying pizza slice, only to receive a thing which, frankly, is cheeseless, barren and devoid of all soul. Where’s the flavor? The craftsmanship? ASM cannot stand by and accept this any longer.”

Chancellor Becky Blank expressed her disappointment in ASM’s decision to hold the vote. “A vote like this should only be held after a series of conversations,” the chancellor said. “I’m disappointed because I don’t feel the appropriate steps were taken before the vote. You have to give institutions time to respond to reforms, and Ian’s has only been open since 2001.”

Ian’s has yet to comment on the scheduled vote, but sources say the feeling around the store has been tense because they damn-well know they under-cheese.

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