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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023

Trump’s supreme court contenders: a review

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After the tragic passing of feminist icon and 27-year Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg on Friday, President Trump and his GOP, a party of deeply-faithful Christians that cherish the sanctity of human life, have decided to honor Ginsburg’s dying wish and the precedent they set in 2016 that she not be replaced until after this Nov. 3 election.

Just kidding, of course they didn’t, you colossal sucker. They need to get this done before Mitch McConnell’s face melts off of his skull completely, so naturally the White House put out a list of potential Supreme Court nominees before the body even turned cold. 

As the Daily Cardinal Almanac’s Chief Political Analyst, I will break down the odds for some of the most prominent names of possible replacements for Ginsburg’s seat:

  1. “Lyin’” Ted Cruz: 5 percent

Not likely, but I could definitely see this one. Trump owes Cruz a favor for handing him the Republican nomination in 2016 by being one of the most repugnant doofuses on the planet. This choice would also be a historic step forward for Twitter-stepdaughter-porn-watchers.

  1. Tom Cotton: 5 percent

Also a longshot. With that being said, Cotton is quickly becoming a rising star among Republicans after the New York Times published his June 3 op-ed proposing that the U.S. military be sent in to deal with — and presumably shoot — protesters in the wake of the murder of George Floyd.

  1. Josh Hawley: <1 percent

Hawley has already pledged to try to help overturn Roe v. Wade, but he wouldn’t be able to be the next president after Trump’s second term if he was on the Supreme Court.

Now for the real contenders, Amy Coney Barrett and Barbara Lagoa. I believe Trump will choose a woman for two reasons: it will take ammo — in the form of charges of sexism — away from Sleepy Joe and Phony Kamala, and it will significantly decrease the chances that the nomination process is slowed or marred by pesky allegations of sexual misconduct.

  1. Amy Coney Barrett: 50 percent

Uber-popular with the Christian right, Barrett’s record and ideals are so conventionally insane for the Christian right that there is basically nothing original to make fun of her for. She would almost be an even more uninteresting character than fellow Indianan Mike Pence if it weren’t for the fact that she has seven (7!) kids.  

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  1. Barbara Lagoa: 40 percent

Certain to be a favorite among galaxy-brain political consultants who believe Floridians’ votes will be won or lost based on whether or not the next nominee for the Supreme Court is from Florida — when the truth is that Trump will win Florida because he is friends with Tom Brady. 

So to wrap things up, expect the next nominee for the Supreme Court to be one of these two birds, and expect her to be installed before RBG’s funeral procession is over.

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