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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022
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ASM votes to open investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Associated Students of Madison has opened up an investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus, according to a statement from the ASM Press Office this morning. A special counsel will be appointed in the coming weeks and begin investigating the Chancellor.

The investigation comes on the heels of UW-Madison’s Shart Restart – I mean – Shart Restart. Fuck, it keeps autocorrecting. Shart Restart. Well I guess even auto-correct knows the restart wasn’t smart. Either way, the investigation has been launched in the wake of UW-Madison’s shart of a restart plan, which included packing the dorms – multiple of which have a capacity of over 1,000 students – with the largest class yet of socially starved eighteen-year-olds who, after a mere whiff of the succulent nectar that is Natty Light, are ready to break quarantine rules faster than that photo of champagne on Kim Kardashian’s oiled-up ass cheeks broke the internet.

Given the unsurprising spike in cases that followed, it seems almost too perfect of a win-win for the Chancellor and the coronavirus. The virus gets hosts and Becky gets her sweet, sweet cash, with which I assume she fashioned into an origami throne upon which she sits and cackles over the misfortune of her subjects.

While unable to confirm my theories about the origami throne of cash, ASM did write in their statement that, “given how the Chancellor has handled the current fall semester, we have strong reason to believe there could have been collusion with the coronavirus, and we see it morally fit to launch an apolitical investigation to gain further information on the matter.”

Additionally, the Big Ten’s recent decision to hold a fall 2020 football season, which Becky Blank voted in favor of, is further damning optics for the Chancellor in terms of the accusations of collusion against her.

Any results from the investigation are still a ways out, however, which means those put at risk by the Chancellor’s irresponsible decisions still have some time before there is justice. On the bright side, they can all rest easy knowing they can put their faith in the special counsel, whose investigation will probably consist of two years of methodical research to gain enough evidence to convict the Chancellor, but then not do it for some reason.

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