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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 21, 2024
Tucker S. Thornton shares how he was able to beat the crowds in filing for unemployment insurance.

Opinion: I was filing for unemployment weeks before it was cool

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.


While most Americans were caught by surprise when the nation shut down to slow the spread of coronavirus, I was one of the few who saw it coming, and I acted. As I was following the news in February, I could sense that this pandemic would be worse than anyone anticipated and knew I had to be proactive. Right then and there, I made the choice to get laid off from my job and file for unemployment.

As a Wells Fargo Customer Analytics Consultant, I began doing everything I could to get my boss breathing down my neck. I knew I must be laid off, or furloughed at the very least, so I could beat the crowds in filing for unemployment. Luckily, I had poor organizational skills, a recent divorce and a can’t-do attitude on my side, but that made the task no less daunting.

Yet, after two and a half weeks of ineffective marketing pitches, leaving early and even pressuring the loan officers into granting funds for an independent film company to make "Bee Movie 3: Beeturn of the Honey Bandit," I had done it. I had become the months most underperforming employee and was let go after an eight and a half month Wells Fargo career.

I was able to file for unemployment before the system became overrun, but many Americans weren’t so lucky. That’s why I wanted to share my story. I wanted to let you know that if you have lost your job and are struggling to get through to an unemployment office unequipped to handle this crisis that you should’ve been a shittier employee when you had the chance.

~ Tucker S. Thornton, former Wells Fargo Customer Analytics Consultant and financially secure thanks to unemployment insurance

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