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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 21, 2024
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Evers: Illinois residents to be placed on each street corner as encouragement for Wisconsinites to stay inside

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Nothing makes a Wisconsinite’s skin crawl more than a goddamn FIB (Fucking Illinois Bastard) cutting across four lanes of traffic while eating a deep-dish pizza so you can stare at the Chicago Bears decal and license plate border on the back of their compact sedan. FIBs are to Sconnies as treadmills to Chris Christie.

With this knowledge, the Office of the Governor has proposed a creative solution to slowing the spread of Covid-19: placing Illinois residents on each street corner to encourage social distancing.

“Covid-19, as you know, is a major public health crisis, and we are doing everything we can to minimize the spread in the state of Wisconsin,” Governor Tony Evers said. “It’s imperative that everyone wash their hands, avoid touching their face and, most importantly, stay inside. That’s why we’ve sent 500 buses to Chicago filled to the brim with sausage in order to kidnap — I mean, um — persuade Illinois residents to come to Wisconsin and do their part to prevent the spread of this disease.”

In light of recent protests against Governors’ stay at home orders, first in Michigan and followed by many other states across the nation, Evers’ decision may dissuade similar protests here in Wisconsin, preventing the risk that comes with large gatherings amidst the current pandemic.

“You know these stay at home orders are very harmful to my orchid business,” commented Glenda Hopkins, a Middleton resident and a self-described fiscal, social and unreasonable conservative. “I can’t afford to lose my Hulu subscription, so if there were protests at the Capitol you know I’d be there. But when I heard about the FIBs, pfff, forget it. I just gotta sit back and give the do-nothing Democrats credit on that one. Well played, Evers. Well played.”

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