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Friday, June 21, 2024

STEM departments uncancel class: “Coronavirus panic creates exact type of stressful environment we want to train our students to thrive in”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

ECB OR E-HALL OR SOME SHIT — Following the decision by the University of Wisconsin-Madison to cancel face-to-face instruction after spring break and until April 10th, the university’s STEM departments have collectively announced that they will still hold class in defiance of the university’s decision.

“We understand that these are challenging times for folks, and there is lots to be mindful of in terms of staying safe. This is precisely why we have decided to continue classes,” said the head of the mechanical engineering department. “If these students want to be doctors or engineers, they need to learn to stay productive and persevere through difficult and stressful times.”

The decision, seemingly short-sighted and brash, should have prompted outrage from the student body, yet STEM students on campus don’t seem to be overly outraged.

“I mean this really sucks, but we all kind of saw this coming,” said junior Ted Morris. “Like these profs literally have no chill so I don’t think anyone is surprised that only STEM kids are required to go to class.”

Perhaps one of the biggest uncertainties of the situation is what will happen to STEM freshman who are forced to go to class but recommended to stay out of the dorms and provided with limited dining options. When students emailed STEM administration to complain, they were provided with the response, “just eat some bugs and sing hakuna matata you’ll all be fine. Also remember your coding assignments are due Monday. No late submissions.”

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