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Saturday, October 16, 2021
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Elizabeth Warren tries to appeal to voters by presenting her salamander knowledge. "This is a Fire Salamander," she says.

New electability standards introduced by DNC hopes to narrow down 2020 options

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Amidst arguments over what makes a candidate electable, the Democratic National Convention introduced a brand-new, streamlined process for determining if any of the remaining presidential candidates are fit for office. 

While folks in politics almost never can agree on anything, the set of expectations proposed by a group of lobbyists, high-level donors and plain old constituents was agreed upon with shocking speed — the meeting itself only lasted 12 minutes. Over 7,000 individuals, each with their own ideologies and priorities, voted on the standards via a polling application called “Kahoot.” (There were also some Friends trivia and “Guess that Fleetwood Mac Lyric” questions at the end of the survey.) 

Before announcing the established, unofficial metrics put forth by these influential Democrats, here are some of the unapproved standards that didn’t quite make the cut: 

  1. Has a plan for climate policy that will simultaneously mitigate global warming impacts without completely demolishing the global economy 
  2. Owns a dog, which is the only way to genuinely tell if someone is a decent human being with morals and values 
  3. Isn’t a lying, fake-woke bigot who aims to feed off young voters with pipe-dream promises that they will literally never fulfill 
  4. Can make one kickass grilled cheese  

While these standards had “relative merit,” according to DNC Chair Tom Perez, they, “didn’t quite capture the type of individual we want leading our country.” 

“Luckily, the list we compiled is comprehensive and, I believe encompasses what I like to call the Democratic condition pretty damn well,” said Perez. “Now, we won’t need to argue over whether it is worse to be gay, a woman, old or problematic!” 

The list is as follows: 

  1. Able to eat fresh-out-of-the-microwave soup without burning their tongue
  2. Can pull off a blaze-orange pantsuit in a way that is both fashionable and speaks to rural constituents 
  3. Die-hard advocate for the Oxford comma
  4. Can spot, identify and name all 152 species of salamander endemic to the United States (with correct spellings) 
  5. Has a very convincing Steven Tyler impression that they are willing to whip out in any social or professional setting 

It is safe to say that the American public is in good hands as we gear up for the 2020 presidential election — after all, Trump possesses none of the standards above, which will certainly lead to his delayed departure from the White House. 

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