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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
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The European Union is finally free from Great Britain’s Euroskepicism.

EU finally receives divorce it deserves from obnoxious, self-centered partner

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Nearly three years after Theresa May invoked Article 50, setting forth a long and dramatic Brexit saga, the UK finally exited the European Union as Big Ben struck 11:00 p.m. on Jan. 31, 2020. Though the road ahead ushers in an era of great uncertainty as there is still much to sort out in regard to the divorce, the EU is rejoicing with glee after its freedom from what has been a toxic and unhealthy relationship for quite some time now.

If we’re being honest with ourselves, the UK gave off douchey and selfish vibes right from the beginning. Back when the European Community first began talking with the Brits about integrating, it was clear that the UK only wanted Europe for its free trade area – needless to say its intentions were impure.

As time drew on, however, it seemed as if Great Britain might actually be committed to taking part in the European integration project, and so in 1973 the UK joined the European Community. But after the UK refused to join the Eurozone, it should’ve been clear where Britain’s head was at.

“All I’m sayin’ is that if Great Britain wasn’t fully committed to the European integration project from the start, then it shouldn’t have wasted nobody’s goddamn time,” responded the European Union to Almanac’s request for comment. “Sovereignty my ass, Britain. Sovereignty. My. Ass.”

When Europe was asked if they were going to permit the entry of any other nations into its union, it was made clear that to do so was not part of its current agenda. In addition, the EU stated that it had its own issues to focus on, such as mitigating the populist surge, improving the economy and recovering from Brexit.

That said, the EU did mention that it, “wouldn’t mind signing a free trade agreement with a country or two if you know what I mean. Drop the old tariff barrier.”

The EU further remarked that, “I’ve got my eyes on that Scotland though. Foxy little thing. It’ll probably be a little bit, but its relationship with the UK is deteriorating as well and, boy, would I like to gobble that thing up.”

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