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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
canada douche.jpg
This highly un-cute attire perches on a cabin quite un-cutely.

Canada Goose is not cute, a brief history

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The world really didn’t need Canada Goose™. Not only is the company an embarrassingly large tarnish on Canada’s name, but people are still donning the wretched brand on their backs. Despite article after article exposing the company’s god-awful practices, Canada Goose™ is still kicking. 

Though it’d be easy to list every reason why the company is morally bankrupt, or why anybody who supports it must be without scruples, perhaps a brief history of the issue could shed some light to those who are still for some unimaginable reason in the dark … unless, of course, people want to start owning their actions for once.

When the company was conceived, legend says the devil himself was struck with a feeling that something just wasn’t right. If that weren’t enough, second grade math teachers across the nation reported students’ parallel lines intersecting and the state of Denmark issued a statement declaring that “something is rotten.” 

This would all make sense when an up-and-coming social media influencer and general member of the Alpha Phi Beta Mu Chapter at the University of Alabama tragically landed on the Canada Goose™ website when searching for extreme weather outerwear. After all, she had a trip planned to visit her family in southern Indiana where the temperatures were expected to be as low as 39 degrees Fahrenheit. Only the most expensive jacket would do. 

$1,400 later, the girl shared a photo in which she wore the garment, thinking it would be a quirky addition to her “Southern belle Instagram feed.” Given the jacket’s fatass aesthetically pleasing logo, fiscally irresponsible price and laundry list of other “desirable” qualities, the post naturally spurred a chain reaction, prompting thousands of Canada Goose™ purchases.

Though it’s impossible to point to a logical reason as to why the company was popularized or why it is now flourishing, the current problem lies generally within two groups of people. For each, there is a simple solution that, if adopted, would easily correct their downright abominable behavior:

  1. If you wish to display a gross amount of wealth: consider donating to a worthy cause like Project Coyote or Goodwill.
  2. If you enjoy the killing of innocent coyotes and geese: stop.
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