I present you with a brief math problem: Candace sits outside in the grass on an August day with her friend Tony (he insists on being called Tonacious D but just fucking call him Tony). They both are drinking organic, fresh squeezed lemonade in a compostable cup. Candace got a large size, and her cup’s base has a 3 inch diameter, the lid has a 3.75 inch diameter and the cup’s height is 8 inches. Tony — for whom the nickname “The Tonado” is likewise unacceptable — does not have a lemonade because he is poor, I lied about the part where I said they were both drinking lemonade. He then turns to Candace and says, “it’s hot as balls out here.”
Has Tony used this phrase correctly? Let's dive in.
The balls, anatomically speaking, are saggy. Interestingly, there is a reason for this. You see, the testicles must be kept at a temperature slightly below that of body temperature: 98.6º Fahrenheit. So, while we may not know the exact temperature of one’s balls unless we put a thermometer in our palm and prolongedly cup them, which unfortunately is not an option since my friend Reginald has said he will file charges if I do this once more, we do know that balls are always less than 98.6 degrees.
Now, back to our math problem…
It seems that if the temperature outside were slightly below 98.6º, then Tony would be correct in comparing the temperature of testacles to the temperature outside. If the temperature were 98.6º or hotter, however, then it would be inappropriate for Tony (whose penis is referred to as the “microtone” and is spelled with all lowercase letters) to use this particular phrase.
Hopefully you have enjoyed learning the linguistic ins and outs of the phrase “hot as balls,” and I hope you will have more confidence than ever when using the phrase in your everyday vocabulary.
For more linguistic analysis, look for our article next week as we explore the use of another commonly used phrase: “You can’t bake banana bread after experimenting with anal beads!”