almanac

Militant hippie occupies Library Mall, compromises student values

Candid speaks to passing frat boys.
Candid speaks to passing frat boys. Image By: Graphic by Haley Bills

Amid political tension surrounding the tumultuous road to the 2020 presidential election and the transition from nauseating humidity to soul-shattering cold, it is no surprise that Badgers across campus are completely agitated and uncertain.

Exploiting these vulnerable students, however, is a crusader of the radical agenda himself, Frank Candid. Parking himself for days on end in the centralized campus location of Library Mall, Candid has been incessantly spewing propaganda for every group of fraternity brothers, citizens actually interested in democratic engagement and prospective student visitors alike.

Signs that read “Wake Up and Stop Acting Like Sheep Who Don’t Know What They Actually Want So You Just Continuously Hurt and Manipulate One Another” and “Peace or Bust” plaster the sidewalks as Candid offers lengthy orations on “Literally Just Not Being an Asshole” and “Offensive Things You Have No Reason to Ever Say and Why”.

“We need to practice greater empathy and tolerance, realize that our own dissatisfaction is rooted in our own unrealistic expectations of our grandiose careers and social networks rather than those who look different than us and foster positive dialogue surrounding discourse rather than simply demonizing the opposition in hopes of furthering their oppression until they protest again at a later date,” ranted the delirious Candid. “Also we should stop blaming poor people for everything.”

The university has been massively concerned with the campaign, especially given the fact that potential future Badgers and their wallet-slinging parents stroll past the demonstration on each campus tour.

“Why would I ever want to send my child to a school that values things beyond partying, landing a job at a Fortune 500 company and protecting them against being held accountable for any of their actions in life?” said parent Dee Pockets. “And to think we weren’t going to bribe an Ivy and use Legacy to get our deserving son a so-called education.”

While they could simply divert the course of the tours to erase the existence of such discourse on campus, which they have so eloquently done in the past, this would require them to relish in the natural beauty of Lakeshore Path and the less-charismatic engineering and medical field buildings rather than the capitalistic glory of State Street and East Campus Mall.

Yet, Candid is unrelenting, screeching that he will not relocate his “peace presentation” until “it rains or something, I don’t know.”

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