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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022

Riding the 80: an etiquette handbook

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Metro Transit’s beloved Route 80 is a service that many have proved they do not deserve. Though sometimes used routinely, it seems that certain individuals still haven’t figured out how to properly act when aboard this godly, paradisiacal vehicle. In the effort to eliminate some of the worst behavioral problems that sour the transit experience for others, here is a short etiquette handbook that all 80-riders should follow:

Firstly, do not ride the 80 if any of the following is true:

1. Your destination is located within less than four stops from the nearest bus stop. If you are able to, this is a perfectly practical walking distance. In this case, taking the 80 would be uncalled for, and you would unnecessarily be crowding an already overcrowded vehicle.

2. You are carrying a contagious cold. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, there is no reason for a contagious individual to be riding the 80. Perhaps consider staying home before infecting other unsuspecting commuters. 

3. You are expecting a sensitive phone call. The difficulties of your personal life should not be shared with the innocent ears of fellow passengers. If you would not say it in front of a parrot, you should not say it on the 80. 

4. Your hygiene is not properly taken care of. This shouldn’t be too much of a challenge: a few swipes of deodorant and a breath mint should do the trick. 

After triple checking that you qualify to ride the 80, make sure you follow the following guidelines when aboard the vehicle:

1. Move to the motherfucking back of the bus when the bus driver asks for the first time. To be frank, the bus driver shouldn’t even have to ask passengers to continue to file into the back. However, some individuals will continuously clog the front of the bus, delaying and, sometimes obstructing, the entry of oncoming passengers. This is not only an inefficient use of the 80, it is ill-mannered.

2. Thank the bus driver upon disembarkment. Again, this one should be obvious, but time and time again, many 80-riders prove to be disgustingly unappreciative of the 80 bus drivers’ service. 

3. No manspreading under any circumstances. On or off the 80. 

4. Only sit in the aisle seat if the window seat is already taken. It can make people severely uncomfortable when they have to climb over you in order to take the seat that you should have taken. 

Though not an extensive list, these rules should greatly improve the 80 experience for all. Please follow them.  

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