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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022

Anonymous whistleblower report reveals Trump committed crimes against humanity

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

On Wednesday, an anonymous report leaked to the press exposed President Donald Trump as a war criminal. 

The mysteriously leaked U.N. investigations revealed that after saying in 2015 “with the terrorists, you have to take out their families,” Trump backed out of peace talks and escalated violence in Afghanistan. According to the report, under his administration's direction, the United States and its allies killed at least 70 Afghani civilians in the month of September alone and have killed more Afghani civilians than the Taliban this year.  

When asked whether she would hold the president to account for the deaths of dozens of innocent people, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “The polls show that violations of the Geneva Conventions actually aren’t all that important to the American people right now. This president wants us to impeach him for using our military to blow noncombatant poppy farmers to smithereens. We’d be falling right into his trap!”

Talk show host Ellen Degeneres said that regardless of whether the leaked report leads to an impeachment of Trump, she looks forward to sitting next to him at a Cowboys-Redskins game 10 years from now. “Look,” she recently explained to reporters, “it may be true that our president belongs in the Hague for crimes violating the conventions of war, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends with him, right?”

As some call for impeachment, the ultimate decision on whether to remove the president lies with Nancy Pelosi, who has said she needs more time to consider whether to act. “Now that my Democratic congress has secured a much-needed increase for our military budget for the fourth year in a row, we’re focusing all of our energy on protecting Joe Biden and his blatantly corrupt failson.”   

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